“When
you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The
waking up is the hardest part.
You
roll out of bed and down on your knees
And
for a moment you can hardly breathe.”
-John
Mayer
Some
memories are hard to deal with, regardless of the form they take. Whether they
come as flashbacks or dreams, memories have the capability of knocking the wind
out of a person. Well, at least that’s what they do to me. Little things remind
me of M, my friend that died in a car
crash a little over a year ago. It doesn’t take much to spark a memory of M. Roller coasters, fireworks, swings…everyday
things… They can come from anywhere, any conversation, any dream. And when a memory hits,
it hits hard and fast, making my head spin and my body weary. The memories that occur during a dream aren't the most dreadful part. Waking up and realizing another memory can never be made with M is.
That’s why the thought of going to sleep
taunts me. I don’t want to wake up and face the reality that M isn’t here. I will never see
him ever again, but the desire to see his face again overpowers logic
occasionally. On my most fortunate nights, I don’t have any dreams. That’s when it’s
easy to wake up. Other nights there are bad dreams. Whether I dream I was in
the car with M or I dream another friend died, I have a better reality to
wake up to compared to my dream (although the reality doesn’t seem too much better). The good dreams are what kill me. In my good
dreams, M is alive. Memories, like the time he showed me his back flip off a swing, seep into my dreams. Waking up from
those dreams that feel so life-like….it’s like finding out the horrible news
all over again. All over again..
Wasn’t finding out one time horrible enough? I wake up and there is no good
morning text from M… The picture I
received at his funeral with his birth date and death date on it hangs on my
wall.. He’s really gone. It’s too much. What did I think would happen? He would
magically materialize from my dream? Like I said previously, the desire to see his face again
overpowers logic. I don’t want to face
reality.
The solution
to waking up in the morning: Don’t fall asleep. Is this reasonable? Of course
not. Remember: my logic flees me occasionally. Everyone needs sleep, but, at
times, I put it off for as long as possible. The thought of having to face
reality scares me. The waking up is the hardest part. Those words in John Mayer's song are perfect. I want to see M's face again… I want him to be here… I want
the hurt to go away… Will it ever go away? Will waking up from those dreams get easier? I know the pain won’t go away, and it may not get any easier. I’ll get stronger. I’ve already become a little bit stronger. Over
the course of the past year, the fear of sleeping has started to fade as the
dreams become more spread out. (Therefore, I’m not as sleep deprived as I used to be. Yay!) Dreaming with a broken heart is
hard, but, perhaps, it gets better… With a little time and a little faith.. <3
