The Waking Up Is the Hardest Part

“When you’re dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part.

You roll out of bed and down on your knees

And for a moment you can hardly breathe.”

-John Mayer

            Some memories are hard to deal with, regardless of the form they take. Whether they come as flashbacks or dreams, memories have the capability of knocking the wind out of a person. Well, at least that’s what they do to me. Little things remind me of M, my friend that died in a car crash a little over a year ago. It doesn’t take much to spark a memory of M. Roller coasters, fireworks, swings…everyday things… They can come from anywhere, any conversation, any dream. And when a memory hits, it hits hard and fast, making my head spin and my body weary. The memories that occur during a dream aren't the most dreadful part. Waking up and realizing another memory can never be made with M is.

            That’s why the thought of going to sleep taunts me. I don’t want to wake up and face the reality that M isn’t here. I will never see him ever again, but the desire to see his face again overpowers logic occasionally. On my most fortunate nights, I don’t have any dreams. That’s when it’s easy to wake up. Other nights there are bad dreams. Whether I dream I was in the car with M or I dream another friend died, I have a better reality to wake up to compared to my dream (although the reality doesn’t seem too much better).  The good dreams are what kill me. In my good dreams, M is alive. Memories, like the time he showed me his back flip off a swing, seep into my dreams. Waking up from those dreams that feel so life-like….it’s like finding out the horrible news all over again. All over again.. Wasn’t finding out one time horrible enough? I wake up and there is no good morning text from M… The picture I received at his funeral with his birth date and death date on it hangs on my wall.. He’s really gone. It’s too much. What did I think would happen? He would magically materialize from my dream? Like I said previously, the desire to see his face again overpowers logic. I don’t want to face reality.

            The solution to waking up in the morning: Don’t fall asleep. Is this reasonable? Of course not. Remember: my logic flees me occasionally. Everyone needs sleep, but, at times, I put it off for as long as possible. The thought of having to face reality scares me. The waking up is the hardest part. Those words in John Mayer's song are perfect. I want to see M's face again… I want him to be here… I want the hurt to go away… Will it ever go away? Will waking up from those dreams get easier? I know the pain won’t go away, and it may not get any easier. I’ll get stronger. I’ve already become a little bit stronger. Over the course of the past year, the fear of sleeping has started to fade as the dreams become more spread out. (Therefore, I’m not as sleep deprived as I used to be. Yay!) Dreaming with a broken heart is hard, but, perhaps, it gets better… With a little time and a little faith.. <3