Hello readers! Just so there is no confusion, I wrote this a while back in reference to a time in late October 2011. I have changed the names in order to keep certain parties confidential. However, if you know me well enough, it will not be hard to figure out who the characters are. This is a real life story that I chose to write as a letter to M.
I know I am not a great writer, but writing this was one way I chose to cope. A friend of mine told me it was powerful, so I thought I would share.
So, yeah!. Here it is:
Hey, M.
I’m
scared to get on this ride. Cody, a 9 year-old, boy from my church, couldn’t
talk anyone from our group into riding the Mind
Bender with him. Not even Ben , the
energetic 11 year-old roller coaster fanatic.
He’s been sticking close to his mom.
It’s Fright Fest here at Frontier City, so there are several creepy
looking people walking around. I don’t blame him for wanting to stay close to
his security. I feel like I’ve lost
mine, especially in the context of this ride. Although riding the Mind Bender
seems like the most unappealing and uncomfortable thing I could possibly do, I
agree to go with him.
The line is a lot longer than it
was the first time I rode this. Goodness, Fright Fest has brought some serious
creeps out of their hiding places. Where
to start? There are the freaks who are talking about insanely inappropriate
things right behind us in line, and then there are the young teens in front of
us who are so high it’s obvious. Well,
maybe it’s only obvious to me, M, because
I had to work with Kent a lot last year.
He went to school with me and would show up with his eyes glazed over talking
about the pills he just popped. It was
hard for me to get used to. At least he
could function. The kids in front of us seem
disoriented, and frankly, it is ridiculous. Cody shouldn’t have to hear or see
these things. Perhaps after Halloween,
they will retreat back into their hiding places.
“I hope
we get through the line quickly,” Cody whispers to me. I nod and force a smile despite
the fact that being suspended on the Mind Bender without you sounds horrifying.
Standing in line with these strange strangers is starting to sound better than
confronting the fear in my heart.
The first time I rode this ride was
about a month ago, as you are well aware. You were the one who was in control,
Mr. Roller Coaster Operator. It was so
cool being friend’s with the guy who operated roller coasters. You had such a big smile on your face
whenever you recognized me in line. “Hey punk,” you jokingly said to me, face
beaming, eyes glimmering. Somehow I felt fearless knowing my safety was
dependent on not only the ride’s structure, but also you. I
trusted you. I screamed when the
ride whirled upside down, but they were happy screams, fearless screams. I
could see you smiling from the operation booth. I knew I was safe.
“Looks like it’s our turn! Chrissy, are you
ready?” Cody asks, pulling me from the tragic thoughts that have forced me to
become numb.
“You’re right,” I reply softly. “Go
find us a seat.” Fortunately for my sanity, the seats that we sat in last time
are taken. We get buckle ourselves into
the safety harnesses. Click. Click. And off we go.
The ride starts off slowly swinging
us forwards and backwards. Forwards and backwards. Forwards and backwards. We start going faster and faster, M. As soon as we start getting high enough into
the sky, the ride starts to flip. My hands are grasping the handle bars. I do
not feel safe. Uh oh, M. Now the ride
has slowed down, and we are suspended in the air, upside down. I can’t scream. Not just for Cody’s sake, but
I physically cannot scream. Choking back
the tears are getting harder, M. I’m
squeezing on to the handle bars as if they were the last strands of sanity I
have left. How long have we been hanging here? Everyone seems to be counting;
even Cody, but I can’t make a single word. “827,” I thought. “That’s how many
seconds we have been up here.” GET ME OFF THIS RIDE. Not just the Mind Bender, M, but life. The ride of life is hard,
and I’m done with the pain. I’m done feeling crazy whenever my friends give me
the sympathy eyes. I’m done crying every time I hear a Rascal Flatts song. M…
Suddenly we’re stopping. I’m not
even sure how the rest of the ride went. I opted for keeping my eyes glued
shut. Thank goodness that is over. After the safety harnesses are lifted up, I
run my fingers beneath my eyes real fast so Cody doesn’t see the mascara that’s
trying to run down my cheek.
“Can we do that again?” Cody asks
with a huge smile on his face. I’m glad he didn’t notice my little break down.
“I’m not up to it, Cody.” I say,
gathering a smile on my face. “Look at the line. It has gotten ten times
bigger, and we still have a lot of the park to cover.” So we get up and meet up
with our group, devising a game plan. I know what I want to do, M, but you’re the only one who knows. I
want to leave site and cry. Cry for hours until there is nothing left of me and
I wither away.
That ride resembles my life in so many
ways right now, M. You couldn’t even
imagine. I have my ups and downs in dealing with you leaving. The downs are
insanely painful and the ups are only times of numbness. My life has flipped
upside down since you left me. It’s only been two weeks, yet I don’t sleep. I
force myself stay awake to the point of exhaustion, hoping to fight off the
dreams. I can’t dream of you, only to find out that you’ve left and are never
coming back. I can’t concentrate when people are talking to me. Some people have
almost completely stopped trying to deal with me. I don’t blame them, really.
I hope your death was painless. By
the newspaper articles and various Facebook posts, you seemed to have died as
soon as your car hit the tree. I’m scared to drive in the rain now, M.
You
have transformed me from being fearless to petrified all in one night. The Mind Bender made me face that, M, and that scares me half to death. With this realization, my mind is bent.
Forever
fighting off sweet dreams of you,
Christine
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